Category: A

“There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them.”

-Sylvia Plath

Definition

Ablutolagnia means deriving sexual arousal from washing, bathing, or showering. The word comes from the Latin word “Albluto” which means washing. A much older way of asking if you had washed up was “Have you performed your ablutions?” – this phrase was used for literal washing as well as spiritual cleansing. 

The Intimacy of Bathing

Bathing has become the most popular ritual for self care. Draw a hot bath, light some candles, open a bottle of wine, turn on some soft music, and spend an hour or so with yourself. Whether that hour is supposed to be meditative, relaxing, or an explicitly sexy time is up to you. But the message of sensuality is implicit. You are taking time to spend some intimate moments with yourself. Cleansing has often taken an intimate meaning. In movies, moments of intimacy are often shown between people in the bathtub, from relaxing with one another to actually bathing each other. The sensuality of having a bath can come from rubbing your hands or a cloth over your body. You are touching your whole self, or someone else is touching your whole self. They are cleaning parts of you that are typically private. 

Sensual Water

A big part of ablutolagnia is the sensuality of the water. It is the feeling of water running over your naked body, running over your genitals. It is the feeling of your genitals in the water. It is the stimulation by the washcloth or sponge going over their body, the slippery feeling of the soap. It is arousal from the entire sensuality of the bathing experience.

“Those who tied love to sex, or even love to romance, didn’t own the emotion itself.”

-A.M. Strickland

Definition

An aroflux person is someone on the aromantic spectrum whose romantic attraction fluctuates but leans towards the aromantic side of the spectrum. This is the orientation that typically has the most fluctuations ranging from fully aro, to grayromantic, all the way to alloromantic. This can waver from day to day. It can be a romantic orientation of its own or can be combined such as aroflux homoromantic. The counterpart to this on the asexual spectrum is aceflux.

The Controversy

There is pushback on this term, even within the aro community. Some people argue that fluctuating on romantic attraction is normal for all people and therefore does not qualify as a romantic orientation. For people who identify as aroflux this commentary is steeped in orientation erasure. This misunderstanding might stem from the difficulty for an aro person to understand full feelings of romantic attraction and likewise for an alloromantic person to understand the lack of romantic feelings. The main reason aroflux people stand behind their orientation as a distinct one is because of the tendency to lean towards the aroromantic orientation but also fluctuate beyond gray or demiromantic.

“A kiss may ruin a human life.”

-Oscar Wilde​

Definition

Being aromantic means you do not experience romantic attraction to other people. Aromantic people are also known as aro in slang terms.

Aromantic vs. Asexual

There is a lot of mix-up between the terms aromantic and asexual. Aromantic means you are not interested in romance but you may very well be interested in sex. Asexual means you are do not experience sexual attraction but you could potentially be interested in romantic relationships. There are also people that identify as both aromantic and asexual. An aro person is not lacking in the ability to have emotional connections with people, they just don’t have the need for a romantic connection. Many aro people have what is known as a queerplatonic relationship, which is very much like a close friendship. Aro people will often develop “squishes” which is a strong desire to have a close platonic relationship with someone. Just like with asexuality, aro people are also on a spectrum ranging from fully aromantic to somewhat alloromantic (which is the opposite of aromantic). There are terms for people who fall in between such as gray-romantic, demiromantic, WTFromantic, and lithromantic. 

Aromantic Relationships

Aro people can still be in a relationship – remember, there are reasons other than romance (or sex) to be in a relationship with someone. In those relationships, affection and sex may happen. An aro person may want to be in a relationship with someone because they love them in a platonic way, even if they are not experiencing romantic love, or because they have similar life goals or want to raise a family together. Some may opt to refrain from relationships but still participate in sexual relations with others. 

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

Definition

Albutophilia is getting arousal from underwater sex. It can be considered a subset of aquaphilia, since for albutophiliacs the sexual arousal comes only from having sexual activity in water whereas aquaphilia includes being aroused from images of people in water and seeing people in water.

Getting into Hot Water

Albutophilia is specifically about sexual activity occurring underwater. For some it can simply be about having sex in water, but it can be so much more than that. Oral sex underwater is a big part of this fetish, as is completely submersed sex. The obvious problem with this is breathing. Unfortunately, we are not fish and we cannot breath underwater. This means that the albutophiliac must get good at holding their breath. This means that breath play can also be a part of this fetish, though is not necessary. 

Sex under water can be highly erotic. Movements are more languid and fluid and a bit more difficult. You really have to work to connect with your partner because you can literally float away from each other. There is a sensuality in the connection that happens underwater. Also there is an element of secrecy. People cannot often see what you are doing underwater. It’s the mullet of sex, business up top and a party underneath. 

‘Unable to perceive the shape of You, I find You all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with Your love. It humbles my heart, for You are everywhere.’

-Giles (The Shape of Water)

Definition

Aquaphilia is a fetish that involves sexual activity under water, finding sexual arousal in photos of people underwater, and underwater activity such as swimming.

The Shape of Water

Most everyone has had an interest in water sex. Maybe it is sex in a pool or in a bath, in the ocean, a lake, or a river – regardless of the location, there is something sexy about being weightless in water with your sexual partner. You move more fluidly, you can get into positions that would be impossible in any other location, plus the added benefit of your whole body being wet. 

Aquaphilia is not only getting sexual arousal from sex in water but also from seeing people in water in life, photos, or movies. The most famous movie that turned some people into momentary aquaphiliacs was “The Shape of Water”. The movie has a highly erotic atmosphere which reaches a pinnacle with a bathtub sex scene between the fish-man and the mute heroine. The scene was romantic and erotic in a way that only director Guillermo del Toro could manage. It not only inspired several fish man sex toys, but also a renewed interest in water sex. 

Underwater Sex In History & Culture

A lot of people get excited at the idea of aquatic sex. Apparently Tiberius Caesar liked it when males would swim up to him and nibble on his genitals like minnows.  Many cultures are very supportive of it. Hinduism is one that is not. Sex in water is prohibited and if someone engages in aquatic sex they have to fast for 24 hours as punishment. 

“Me and shawty go together like chemicals”

-Lil Wayne

Definition

Anasteemaphilia is the attraction by a person to people either much shorter than them or much taller than them. Depending on the extent of the fetish this means that some people will only enjoy sexual activity with someone who is significantly shorter or taller than them. Anasteemaphilia can also mean being attracted to dwarfs but not necessarily. In a lighter form, a really tall man may only like women who are more than a foot shorter than him. 

Not at the same level 

Anasteemaphiliacs are literally having sex at different levels. Different levels of altitude that is. When you see someone who is more than a foot taller than their partner it is a common thing to wonder how they get the logistics of sex to work. Honestly, the logistics are not necessarily that different. Yes, missionary position might make the smaller person feel a bit smothered but if the larger person is up on their elbows then it should still be fine. 

From the psychological perspective there are theories that the reason some short people are attracted to really tall people is because the difference in size helps them to feel safe and secure. In reverse, the tall person gets to feel like they are taking care of and protecting the smaller person. Some of it can come from getting really tall really fast when you are younger, so all of your peers are significantly shorter than you. Since this is when you are forming your personal sexual language, it leaves some people with an attraction for height difference.  

“The ass is the face of the soul of sex.”

-Charles Bukowski

Definition

An analgasm is an orgasm that happens from anal sex. People of any gender and anatomy can have an anal orgasm, even if they don’t have a prostate. For men with a prostate, an analgasm can also be an orgasm caused by anal stimulation that does not involve ejaculation.

Anal Orgasm Myths

Myth 1: Anal orgasms mean prostate orgasms. Sometimes they are the same, but both men and women can have anal orgasms just from anal stimulation, without prostate stimulation.
Myth 2: Only men can have anal orgasms. Not true. Women can have mind-blowing anal orgasms as well.
Myth 3: Only a penis can give an anal orgasm. Anyone can give anal orgasms through finger stimulation, using a dildo, or pegging (using a strap on).

Anatomy of an Analgasm

Our bodies are filled with erogenous zones and sensitive areas. With proper stimulation and some patience, it is possible to get an orgasm from just erogenous zone stimulation. Stimulating the genitals while also stimulating the butt can lead to some pretty mind-blowing orgasms. Some people find anal sex a combination between pain and pleasure, which can also lead to more intense full body orgasms.

“Let’s do anal sex so my pussy can rest. Let’s do anal sex so that you can tell your ex.”

-Only Fire

Definition

Anal sex is sexual penetration that involves the anus, aka the butt. This does not have to be penis in butt. It can be a dildo or a strap-on in the butt. It can also be a finger, fist, or any other item that is used to penetrate the anus. 

Bad Reputation

Anal sex has an unfairly bad reputation with a lot of folks. Some people think that anal sex is only meant for sex between men. They think it is dirty. They think it is taboo. They think it is hard to do. But the truth is anal sex is just another wonderful way to engage in a fun sexual activity. Anyone of any gender can enjoy anal, and if you are a man that enjoys your girlfriend’s fingers or toys in your ass, that doesn’t make you gay at all! It can also be a clean activity as long as you follow some basic prep beforehand.

How to Have Anal Sex

First of all, any kind of anal penetration can count as anal sex. So you don’t have to jump into penis in the butt right away. Honestly, it is better to start your journey into the behind with something smaller, like a finger. Also, keep in mind that not everyone likes anal sex. A lot of people are surprised to learn that their bum hole was a lot more sensitive than they realized. But there are also a lot of people that discover that they don’t like it, and this can be both men and women. The idea that all men like to receive anal sex or anal stimulation is not true. There are many men who do like it and there are many men who don’t. Don’t judge yourself or anyone too harshly for their preferences. When learning how to have anal sex, we suggest doing some research. There are a lot of great guides online that will go into detail on the best ways to have enjoyable anal sex. 

Quick & Dirty Tips

Go to the bathroom first. You don’t want to have an accident or feel insecure about that possibility during the action. It’s not necessary and it’s not advisable to do too frequently, but you can also try an enema to feel more confident about your cleanliness back there.
Start small. Start with a finger, then as your body adjusts to that size, increase the girth by adding more fingers until you are able to take the size of the object you ultimately want. Just understand that this might not happen all in the same session. This process is called anal training.
Lube, lube and more lube. If you know one thing it should be this! You need to use lots and lots of lube when having anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate. If you want to get something in there, you better lube up. 
Communicate. Make sure to let your partner know if something hurts, or if they are pushing too hard or fast. Only you know your body. If you don’t communicate your limits you might not only dislike the experience but you may also hurt yourself.

“Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.”

-Mark Twain

Definition

An anonymous sex fetish is when a person gets sexual arousal from not knowing who their sexual partner is. It is a “no strings attached” sexual encounter. This fetish can be about needing truly anonymous sex or simply an anonymous sex fantasy.

Who are you again?

There are a lot of reasons why people get into anonymous sex. For some, it is the excitement of having “no strings attached” sexual encounters. They meet, they have sex, they leave. It is done. For others it is about being objectified. It is deriving sexual arousal from the sexual encounter not being about you as a person but you as a sexual body or sexual object. Anonymous sex is typically about the physical experience and is devoid of emotions. It can also be a way to partake in sexual fetishes without feeling judged. If you are never going to see the person again, and you don’t know who they are, how can they judge you?

Fantasy vs. Reality

Some people are able to participate in an anonymous sex fetish through fantasy role-playing. In fact, it is a common one that you see acted out in public. One person walks up to another person in a bar and suggests they have sex in the bathroom, or they come back to a hotel around the corner. Couples will often use this fantasy as a way to try to spice things up in the bedroom. Of course, this is not true anonymous sex. 

Typically the fetish for anonymous sex requires true anonymity. There are many other fetishes that overlap with this in their expression, such as sex parties where you don’t know your sexual partner, or having sex while blindfolded or masked. The movie Eyes Wide Shut pushed the boundaries in film when it showed anonymous group sex. 

Risks

There can be a lot of risk associated with anonymous sex. Without knowing your partner you cannot know if they are free of STDs. There is also the risk of someone not respecting consent or doing things with you sexually that are beyond your comfort zone. Sex parties where people are screened are typically much safer than picking someone up at a bar. If you are going to have anonymous sex, make sure to use a condom. 

“Two and two make five.”

-George Orwell, 1984

Definition

An authoritarian fetish involves experiencing sexual arousal from enforcing strict behavior and obedience at the expense of personal freedom, or from having such a behavior enforced on you. 

Sex and Power

Why are we so attracted to people in positions of power? Part of it is because having relations with people in authority positions is typically taboo. Students are not allowed to have sex with teachers. Employees are not allowed to have sex with bosses. But authority and authoritarians are a bit different. Authoritarians are not just demonstrating power and control, they are exerting unyielding power and control. In this fetish, this power and control is often over your own body. For many people in the 24/7 lifestyle adding an authoritarian element is common, because it means turning over complete control of one’s personal freedom to another person.

Giving Up Control

A core part of the authoritarian fetish is giving up control. If you are the sub then you are giving up complete control to your Dom. If you are the Dom you are having complete control given to you. It is about having someone fall in line and be obedient, without question, no matter what. People who are in power positions in real life like to engage in authoritarian scenes as subs, so they can feel the release of giving up all power. For people who feel powerless in life, being in an authoritarian relationship or scene can give them control and a sense of power when they don’t have it anywhere else.